Car Horns

I've determined that the world is divided into two kinds of people. Those that find car horns loud, obnoxious, and irritating - the Keep Irritating Sounds Silent folks (KISSers). And those that find it a useful car feature to be used with frequency and regularity - the Car Horn User Group (CHUGs)

CHUGs pull up to a house and honk the horn to get the person they're picking up to come outside. If the horn honking fails to produce the desired result, they will honk longer and louder. If that fails, they will lay on the horn continuously. Obviously, getting out of the car to ring the doorbell is not an option. Never mind that it's 4am and they're pulled up to the villa outside my bedroom window.

When a CHUG pulls up to wait for you to leave a parking spot if they find that you're taking too much time buckling in the child, putting your packages in the trunk, and turning on the engine - they'll give a little blast on the horn. As a KISSer, I'm totally tempted when they do that to go back there and tell them that there is NO WAY I'm giving them my spot - they can just move their rude little CHUG a*s along.

CHUGs also find it totally acceptable to pull up 2 feet behind you when trying to pass you on the motorway and beep their horn - followed by flashing of lights. Never mind that there's no where for you to go; the cars ahead are going slowly, the lane to your right is full of slow-moving trucks, and traffic is jammed. What do they think they're going to do, blast through slow and go traffic?

When stopped at a red light, as soon as the light turns green, a CHUG who is 10th in the queue finds the need to blast his horn. How does this help? It does take a few seconds to get a queue moving - we can't all step on our gas peddles and move simultaneously away from the light. Again, the inner KISSer in me wants to get out of my car and go tell him that a little patience will make us all happier people.

CHUGs will also give you a little honk as they're coming up on your blindside - as if to say "Hey, I'm here." Never mind that I've now jumped out of my skin and I'm trying to make sure I don't veer dangerously off the shoulder. Egads!

The latest CHUG incident was last night on my way out of the office. I work in a 30 story building. As I left, there was a CHUG parked outside honking his horn. I can only assume that he was trying to get the attention of someone inside this 30 story building to come outside for their ride. Hello buddy - it's a THIRTY STORY building - they can't hear you. Nevertheless, he proceeded to honk his horn while I crossed from the building to the parking structure, took the lift to my parking level, and then walked to my car. All the while, his CHUG instincts increasing to ever longer blasts on the horn.

I try to tell myself, these CHUGs come from a place where the sound of the horn has no corresponding relationship to irritation or obnoxious behaviour. They don't have any idea that I find this behaviour so unbelievably rude that I struggle to keep my inner serial killer under control. I tell myself, they don't mean it, don't get upset, just relax, calm down. But my KISSer instincts are strong - it's hard not to get riled.

Most cities are either CHUG or KISSer cities. In the US, I think we mostly have KISSer cities - although maybe in New York City there's a little bit of CHUGiness. In London, it was definitely KISSer. In India - it's CHUG all the way. And I have no way of knowing what the true Dubai is, but I would guess that Dubai-ites are CHUGs. The thing about Dubai NOW the immigrants come from a mix of CHUG and KISSer cities. It's one of the unique things about Dubai - this mixture of East and West, Developed World and Developing World, modesty and immorality, CHUGs and KISSers.

As a KISSer, if you move to a CHUG city (like Mumbai), you have no choice but to recognize you're a minority. Every single driver in a CHUG city exhibits these behaviors and you soon realize it is just a normal part of the street code. But here, there is such a balance between KISSers and CHUGs that the CHUGs stand out - more than 50% of the cars demonstrate KISSer etiquette leaving you with the hope that maybe possibly the CHUGs will soon learn (oh please, will they learn).

I can only imagine that the CHUGs are totally oblivious to this difference - that only the KISSers get irritated at this difference. I mean really, my KISSer quiet driving habits certainly cannot be an irritation to the CHUGs. But, you never know.